The Art of Staying Curious

The skill of asking questions when everything in you wants to react.

It's easy to be curious when we're calm, comfortable and open to hearing what someone has to say.

But what about when we're frustrated? When someone challenges our thinking, questions our decisions, disappoints us or says something that gets right under our skin?

That's when curiosity becomes a whole different ball game. And that's when it matters most.

I've been thinking a lot about curiosity lately. Not just the importance of being curious, but the actual skill of staying curious when our emotions are telling us to do the complete opposite. Because let's face it, we're human.

We make assumptions. We jump to conclusions. We create stories in our heads based on our own experiences, beliefs and perceptions. And sometimes, before we've even finished listening, we've already decided what we think.

The problem is, we're often reacting to the story we've created rather than the full picture.

Learning to helicopter out

Something I've been practising personally is what I call helicoptering out.

When I feel myself becoming emotionally triggered, I try to imagine lifting myself out of the situation, almost as though I'm hovering above it, looking down.

From up there, I'm no longer quite so caught up in the emotion of the moment. I'm observing what's happening rather than being completely consumed by it.

It gives me just enough space to ask myself:

• What am I missing here?
• What else could be going on?
• What don't I know yet?

Now, I'm certainly not suggesting I've mastered this. Far from it, infact I was triggered last week and I am not sure I effectively helicoptered anywhere.

There are plenty of moments when my emotions get the better of me, and I find myself reflecting afterwards on what I could have asked rather than what I said.

But that's the thing about curiosity. It's a muscle we need to keep flexing.

And the more we practise, the better we become at recognising those moments when we have a choice between reacting and getting curious.

Curiosity belongs everywhere

I think one of the most interesting things about this skill is how relevant it is to almost every relationship we have.

As a parent, when your child behaves in a way that frustrates you, can you get curious about what's driving that behaviour before jumping straight into discipline?

As a leader, when someone on your team doesn't deliver what you expected, can you ask what got in the way before assuming they haven't made the effort?

As an employee, when your leader makes a decision you disagree with, can you seek to understand the context before deciding they're wrong?

As a friend, when someone seems distant or behaves differently, can you check in rather than assuming you've done something to upset them?

And as a co-founder, when your business partner challenges your thinking or takes a different approach, can you explore their perspective rather than immediately defending your own?

Different situations. Different relationships. The same underlying skill.

Getting curious before getting judgmental.

So how do we actually practise it?
I don't think there's a magic formula. What works for me might not work for you.

But I do think we can all develop a little routine that helps interrupt that instinctive emotional response.

Here's mine:

1. Notice the trigger.
Recognise when something has stirred an emotional response. Frustration, defensiveness, disappointment, irritation. Whatever it is, acknowledge it.

2. Create a pause.
Take a breath. Have a sip of water. Give yourself a few seconds before responding. Sometimes that's all the space you need.

3. Helicopter out.
Mentally remove yourself from the middle of the situation. Imagine observing it from above. What might you see differently?

4. Ask one question.
Before offering your opinion, defending your position or making a judgment, ask one genuinely curious question.

It could be as simple as:

• "Can you help me understand your thinking?"
• "What am I missing?"
  
• "What's led you to that conclusion?"
  
• "Is there something else going on that I should understand?"

The question itself doesn't need to be particularly clever.

What matters is that you're genuinely open to the answer.

Because curiosity isn't simply asking questions. It's being willing to hear something that might challenge the story you've already told yourself.

The real challenge

I think we sometimes confuse being curious with being agreeable. They're not the same thing. You can be curious and still disagree. You can seek to understand someone's perspective without accepting their behaviour. You can ask questions, gather context and still arrive at exactly the same conclusion you started with.

But at least you've given yourself, and the other person, the opportunity to explore the full picture.

And that, to me, is where better conversations, stronger relationships and more thoughtful leadership begin.

So here's my challenge to you, and one I'm continuing to work on myself.

The next time something triggers you, don't make your first response a statement. Make it a question.

Pause. Take a breath. Helicopter out.

And get curious.

You might be surprised by what you discover.